Such a silly little song, but it is playing in my mind constantly. I need a Hero
But the song following it is even harder, especially because it has a history with me
I’ll take the train to nowhere
This love is a sacrifice
My heart ain’t big enough babe
For your paradise…
Oh darling I’m crazy – after all these years
Don’t throw away my love babe
I’m not a lonely child
Tomorrow’s such a long time
My dreams are running wild…
Oh Darling I’m crazy – after all these years
I gave you all my love for free
My tears are full of memories
Give me love, give me all
Baby, catch me when I’ll fall tonight
Bitterblue, Bitterblue
Breaking up is hard to do
Bitterblue you know that I’m too
Proud to cry
Bitterblue, Bitterblue
I can’t take my eyes off you
That’s no way to say goodbye
I’ll be sailing on a rainbow
If you will change your mind
Don’t throw away this love babe
Love is hard to find…
Oh darling I’m crazy – after all these years
Come save a little room babe
In your heart for me
We can make it better
Love is a mystery…
Oh darling I’m crazy – after all these years
Oh I sold my heart to you
I gave you love and heaven, too
Give me love, give me all
Baby catch me when I’ll fall tonight
You know my history, you know the rejection I have had, every single man in my life before you has betrayed me in some way, now you too. What do I do with that, how do I carry on from that. I trusted you after it took so long for you to gain that trust, then when I trust you fully you do this.
I asked you after New years if there was someone else, when you didn’t kiss me properly on New years Eve. You looked me in the eye and said no, there is not. I must not be silly…
Valentines you sent me a Meme “sorry I don’t have money for a ewallet…”
Now I know you were with her…. . Do you have any idea what that does to me.
Do you still have all our messages to each other, or did you delete them…
You always told me that I don’t need make up and that you love me as I am. You always thanked me for not being like other women, the issues and things that other men deal with. But now I wonder, I can’t help it, there are so many things that do not make sense.
Were you telling the truth or just saying things…
In your lifetime you will find and meet that one person who will love you more that anyone you have ever known and will know. They will love you with every bit of energy and soul. They will sacrifice, surrender and give so much that it scares you. They will forgive the unforgivable. Someday you will know who that is, sometimes people realize who that WAS.
So it came that I was still the “lunch operator” and I would see Nate* daily when he would either order the lunch or pick it up.
On the 12th July 1994 a fellow colleague who had just broken up with his fiancé asked me to go to the movies with him. I could not want to, but felt guilty for saying no. I was sitting in my ‘dilemma’ when Nate* walked in.
His response “go to the movies” I repeated I did not want to go with him but did not want to hurt his feelings either. This went round and round for awhile with Nate* saying “go to the movies” until eventually he said “I did not say go with him to the movies, just go to the movies, I will pick you up at 7” with that he walked out of my office…. and knocked on my barracks door at 7 to pick me up for the movies…
Myself and Nate* met over 24 years ago, and I thought he was an arrogant little ………
Introduced to each other through a mutual friend Errol*, I really could not like this guy, he seemed so self assured, Blonde hair blue eyes, always smiling and charming with his constant smile…
He would come into my office and rearrange my files and desk, turning pot plants upside down and walk out again.
I became the lunch time operator… they wanted food, I was the go to, phone Ilene and let her order. so it became a common occurrence that I would get a call from either Nate* or Errol*, “so what is for lunch”
More and more Nate* would walk into my office and sit and chat and then go on his merry way.
Until 14 June 1994, he walked into my office, straight up to me, kissed me that I fell of my chair, when I landed in so much ‘dignity’ on the floor I asked him what that was for, he looked at me and smiled and then I asked if it was for two days pervious, he asked why what happened 2 days ago. I remember feeling so stupid and saying it was my birthday. He bent down further and kissed me again (while I was still on the floor), “happy birthday for 2 days ago”.
He then merrily walked out of my office.
What followed was a bit of a storm, I had been betrayed by my previous boyfriend who lied and told everyone I was sleeping with him and then I found out he was cheating on me. My wound was still a bit raw so I was very guarded and had built up nice walls around myself.
Anyway the day after the weird kissing incident (in front of others in the office by the way), I was at breakfast in the barracks when I noticed Errol* still at the mess hall. I walked up to him as normal and asked if I could join him, nothing different than usual.
Then he dropped the comment, “so I heard you grabbed Nate* and kissed him” this is probably a good time to mention I actually had a crush on Errol*….
His comment just seemed to open up a flood of emotion, “What? I did What?”
He replied “Nate* said he walked into your office and you grabbed him and kissed him”
I lost it!!!!
I stormed out and went to phone Nate* taking a bit of time as there were no mobile phones. Low and behold when I phoned Nate’s* number Errol* answered, “sorry he is not in”. This tag team phone episode went on a few times, each time I phoned Errol would answer. Eventually when I was miffed enough I stomped down to their office division and here they are Errol* and Nate* sitting in the office having a good chuckle.
I told both of them what I thought of them and left. Needless to say I received messages from so many people that day “Nate* is looking for you” “Errol* phoned, phone him back” I think if I recall properly my miffed state lasted a few days until they came clean and Errol* said that Nate* had told him what happened and they decide to “tease” me about it. Not one of them actually knowing my history… and the raw wounds that were still healing.
But that was the first “move” of the relationship between myself and Nate*
Tonight I remember when I wanted to get out the barracks, I needed to get out the barracks and I started looking for a flat. I remember looking at a few places and then you said why don’t we get one together? It was your suggestion… I did not coerce you or manipulate you. My mom was going to give me the deposit and I could afford to get a place. You said the flat with Keith* is cramped with Jane* there and it is time for you to move…
That was how we started staying together, the next year June you asked me to marry you. Do you remember it, the arrangements you going to Sam* to get the picnic basket, me angry because you and Garth* took too long to ‘look’ at the car, not knowing what you were actually doing… you surprised me, totally… where did that guy go…?
Also remember in *………* when I was taking the videos back to the video shop in *…..* and you got so upset with me for walking alone into *…..* to take them back and told me never ever to do that again. We weren’t even seeing each other then, I just knew you as Errol’s* friend, so I did go back into *…….* just to spite you. Stupid, stubborn person that I was then.
The last few nights all these memories are playing in my mind and I can’t stop them. It is like a movie reel and I can’t switch it off.
moments, memories, heartache,
♥
Today was difficult, needed to speak to you. Load of crap at work and I needed to offload, usually you are always there, supporting me and helping me work through things. Now I do not have the ease to phone you and share with you. I don’t want to be a burden…
I miss being able to freely share things with you, I miss being able to just come home and know you are there to listen
I miss hearing you offload…. So used to you phoning every now and again, asking if you should get things at the shops or do something, or just to say you’ll be late… I miss that, I miss your voice during the day.
It hurts when you go to “your room” at night before 9 so you can video call or message or however you contact Heidi. You say you’re tired, but then your light stays on till late, not that I check on you, if I go make tea I see it. Or I go on facebook and see you’re online. Is it difficult for you to spend time with us …
Then when I do pluck up the courage to send you a message, you ignore it, ouch…
Today I thought about how things would have been if it was the other way around, if I had cheated on you and was going to leave. How would you have reacted? Would you just let me walk out the door, or would you have fought for me. 3 times in my life I wanted to leave you, where I felt the right to go, where I had the courage to leave, and you stopped me… you made me believe in us again.
What would have happened if I had left… I know I would have been more prepared, thought I still had a chance at love, young enough still to face possibilities. Last week two different people asked me the same question. Do I think I will love again? Can I imagine falling for someone else?
Honestly I do not know. I can’t even fathom it, trusting someone again from scratch, the idea of someone else touching me, no! I’m married, I belong to you! But in reality your cutting that bond, or actually you already have. But still to think of it, I can’t. I also stated I don’t know how it would be if you touched me again, will I fall into your arms or will I cringe because I know you have been with someone else…
I don’t think you realise how much I miss you!!! I wake up from a dream of you touching me and I wake up craving you, craving your touch and what you used to do to me. I wake up with such a sense of loss that it feels as though my heart is shredded, knowing I will probably never feel that way again.
Today standing in the kitchen making food I wished you would just walk up behind me and hug me. That’s all!!!
I sit in the lounge with you next to me and I just want to reach out and lock my fingers with yours..
You have absolutely no idea how that feels…. After 24 years of freely being able to do that, to sit and crave to do it and I can’t…
I wish I could be different, I wish I could be what you want!
On facebook you normally get a page that friends have liked
For example Jack Delane, Monica-Lee and Eria like Spotify….
Today on my newsfeed was Nate and Lorinde De Blo likes Diamond Rings.co.za – and my stomach lurched, I could not breathe. Because I know you’re not looking at rings for me…. How can you already be looking at rings, we haven’t even finalized anything. What?, is a diamond ring a promise ring…. “Can’t marry you yet, but just wait”… you can’t get engaged while still married, or can you? And the prices of those rings ….. I felt literally sick….
But again I sucked it up because what will it help me to “lose it” to go all banshee on you or Heidi. But I also realised, if you did, then there is no honor or self-respect, either of you, because you do not do that to someone else, no matter what. So maybe you deserve each other, what goes around comes around.
What pray tell did I do in this life to deserve this…. what did I do to you to deserve this. They say Karma is a Bitch, so what did I do that Karma is taking it out on me.
Also got a message, an image on my newsfeed. “If she is willing to cheat with you, she will cheat on you. Do not be fooled, you are not the exception to the rule” and I thought exactly….. hope she hurts you good!!!!!!!!!!! BUT actually I don’t, because I still love you and don’t want you to go through what you are putting me through! STUPID huh? I really am.
Ai Nate, your love and my love for you has ruined me for life. What is that saying “I want to use up a woman so that she is ruined for all other men” I cannot imagine experiencing love with someone else, you were / are my love!!!
I saw this on facebook again today I I could not help but cry …. What happened ??
Ladies, WITHOUT prompting, ask your husband or boyfriend these questions and write EXACTLY what they say. The outcome can be hilarious.
Answers by Nate
•What is something I say a lot? Where is my phone 😂
•What makes me happy? Family ✔
•What makes me sad? Unhappy family ✔
•How tall am I? 1.5 (close… slightly taller)
•What’s my favourite thing to do? Reading ✔
•What do I do when you’re not around? Worry & sleep 😂 😂 ✔ ✔
•What makes you proud of me? Unconditional love ❤
•What is my favorite food? Anything chicken ✔
•What is my favourite restaurant? Fandangos ✔
•Where is my favorite place to visit? Scotland – although only once, locally Plett or anywhere in that area. ✔
•If I could go anywhere, where would it be? Switzerland ✔
•Do you think you could live without me? I could but do not want to 😙
•How do I annoy you? Short tempered 😕
•What is my favorite movie? Lion King
•Who is my celebrity crush? Brad Pitt
•You get a phone call that I am in trouble, who am I with? B… W…. F…. 😂 ✔ ✔
Do you still see these things of Facebook, or have you deleted it. Do you still have photo’s on your phone? What is my name on your phone, is it still your pet name for me or just Ilene. What is my profile photo on your phone? So may questions I can not ask you, but do not have the courage to do it.
You said in the facebook answers , What makes you proud of me? Unconditional love but do you realise it has a price, it hurts like hell to still love you ….
I wonder if I will ever have the guts to give you these letters, but at least it helps me vent, it helps me get things out of my head.
I love you Nate, more than you will ever know or realise…
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
ALWAYS PERSEVERES…. Then I wonder, does that mean I do not really love you. If it always perseveres then it must work out between us, that my love for you will always overcome all obstacles, it will persevere….
I hate not trusting, I hate not knowing what is happening in your life, you are my husband, the father of my children. So many times I pick up my phone to phone you and put it down, so many times I start typing a message then I delete it.
Can’t get you out of my head today! Thinking of you nonstop. Then I get upset and angry with myself and tell myself to stop being so weak & vulnerable, that I am stronger than this…. that I deserve better.
I want to be able to be vulnerable and I want you to know how much I want you and need you in my life. Maybe that is the problem, maybe I was always strong enough that you felt I did not need you. Maybe you think it is easy for me to carry on without you. . .
I have made appointments with Attorney, and then end up cancelling them again.
I cannot imagine my life apart from you. Despite all that has happened, despite the things you have said to me and done to me. Despite the pain and rejection ….
Today I was thinking about when I was in college and how every night at 8, I would phone, you and Jane* used to fight over who the call would be for. I always just hoped I phoned before Keith* phoned otherwise I would have to wait and keep trying on the pay phone. Why did we not have cellphones then, it would have been easier, we could have talked the whole time.
There is a small voice telling me to move on, that I deserve better, that I deserve love, deserve to be spoilt and someone that buys me presents just because…. Chocolates & scarves and my favorite books and.. and.. and…., someone that will sit with me and hold my hand and just wants to lie next to me and cuddle, lie and watch a movie. Someone that phones me to tell me to have a good day and make sure that I got to work ok and got home ok. That asks me how my day was. That offers to do things for me… but I cannot imagine anyone in my life except you. I want you to do those things, I want to turn the clock back to the way we were together. Experience our lives over, like our first holidays together and our honeymoon and experiencing the birth of our kids again. I want to recapture those moments and hold on to them.
I want to live with you and for you, I want to still grow old together and experience things with you.
Now at the time our kids are old enough to carry on with a life and we can experience the next phase of OUR LIVES together, you want to move on. It is unfair…. After so much living between us, this is our time to re-explore and find ourselves again together. New hobbies and new adventures….
I do not ever want you to think this is easy for me and that I gave up. I don’t not want you to ever look at me and hate me or despise me.
I know there must be pain somewhere inside you, that I must have hurt you at some point in some way for you to do this to us, and I wish I knew what it was, but I don’t even know if you know.
I always felt that I treated you with respect and that you knew how much I love you and appreciate you, that you are an amazing Dad and husband. I admired your ethic and character, your outlook and approach to people. That you always have room for people and will go the extra mile for people. That you cared enough to make a difference in peoples lives, that so many teenagers and people looked up to you. The example you were to me and your kids…
One thing I have noticed is that people that have found out that we are on the verge of divorce, that do not have the specifics of our story… how many are totally and utterly shocked, saying
“but we always looked at you guys as examples”
“always admired you as a couple”
“I have always been jealous of your relationship”
“wished my husband was like Nate*”
It hurts and I get so angry, because why did it come to this …..
Messages of hope and encouragement from people that do not even know what is happening, that can’t know because they do not know us, saying I must hold on, that God is in the storm. Then I get frustrated because what does it help for me to hold on if you are the one letting go….
Today I feel like I’m drowning again, but I will shake it off and carry on because I do not have the luxury of losing it. Kyle* & Diane* are watching me so closely.
I miss you Nate*, I miss my best friend, I miss YOU!!!
Babes,
It is so difficult not to come to you and hold you. Sometimes I just want to take your hand and hold it, squeeze it and never let go. I want to come sit with you while your working and chat, just chat …
I miss rolling over in bed and just putting my hand on your chest, or just feeling your heat next to me. I look over now and see an empty space next to me. I have a whole queen size bed to myself but still sleep on “myside”. I remember the times when you lay so still that I got such a fright and though you were gone and now I know that is not the worst feeling, the worst feeling is you not being there by choice.
I miss the words “my wifey” and you teasing me about my teddy tot toes and walking past and hugging me. I miss you, just you! I miss feeling you next to me.
This is probably the loneliest time of my life, wanting to talk to you and share with you but I can’t. I miss ME! The boldness of me to send you a message on WhattApp, to phone you to hear your voice, to know what your thinking and feeling and doing. To send you a message on facebook and tag you on posts. To walk past and rub your back or shoulders when your working on the laptop, bring you a cup of coffee. To sit with you and lie against you while watching TV. It is like your gone, but still there and I do not have the right to reach out to you anymore, which is wrong because I still have all the right in the world to do it, but I can’t bring myself to do it because I know you don’t want it ….. and that kills me day by day.
Then the battle starts in my mind, usually at night. What if you think I don’t care anymore, what if you think my distance is to push you away… what do I do, what do I say…
Then I realize I can’t do or say anything, I cannot prove my love for you anymore than what I have. I can’t make you change your mind, I can’t make you love me. I can’t rationalize for you. I cannot change this situation.
I think back to all our times together and I break… or I’ll sit and suddenly remember something we did or a time spent together and my whole world starts falling in on me, and I need to emotionally and mentally climb out again. Seeing memories on facebook, where you wrote something to me or tagged me in something, that when I read it or see it, I know you really loved me…. Then the questions, what happened?
I have tried so many times in the last months to JUST BE ANGRY so that I can move on, hate you for what you are doing…. but I can’t, the anger dissolves and I realize I can’t just press a button and stop loving you. I was proud to be your wife, always felt blessed to be part of your life. NEVER IMAGINED not being part of it.
I know that I should not go over our lives together, but I also now realize after beating myself up about it, that it is normal. From day one, the memories and there are many…. Things we done, things we said, moments forever etched in my mind and heart. The first time you kissed me that I fell off my chair and you kissed me again, the time in your office at *……* where you “kissed me up” on that terrible dirty carpet, our first date at the movies. You driving to *……..* to see me for a few hours. Coming to the college for my birthday just to bring me a chocolate. The weird places we were intimate with each other, sneaking out my Mom’s house in the early hours to have fun in the car. 3 days of absolute bliss in *………* Driving around looking for a quiet place to not get caught because we can’t wait to get home. You wanting me to experience things and places that you have been, sharing it with me waiting for my reaction. And so so many many more ……
Then I also realise we did let go of a lot of that, we became complacent with each other, but you never gave us chance to get that back. It only dies when it is starved, if you feed it, it comes back and we are both guilty of letting that go. Listening to people I realize so many people fall into that trap, they stop because life becomes “normal”. Work and life in general takes over, we get tired…
I think maybe things would be easier if we did not have a good life, if we did not have those memories. It would be easier if we did completely live past one and other, if we fought and had problems, it would be easier. But looking back on all our life together, despite the bumps and small moments, we had an almost perfect life…. Best friends, husband and wife, soulmates…. Peter Pan & Wendy (the fairytale)
I have forgiven you, and I need to still do that daily against my own thoughts and feelings. I need to work through my own doubts and demons. My own insecurities and faults. I need to find myself again. I miss laughing, I miss my life, I miss my husband, I miss you!!! I miss being me around you…
I miss my Peter Pan!!!
♥
Blissfully going from day to day, thinking that all is fine. My kids are good, my husband is stressed but he is okay. Cliché saying God is good … All the time and All the time…. God is Good….
Then in an absolute instant your entire world comes tumbling down
The shock, the disbelief, the gut wrenching pain, this can not be happening to us. This is a nightmare and I will wake up shortly…
What I have learned from my husband’s betrayal is that no marriage is solid. As soon as you think this will never happen to me, you need to take stock and work on your marriage. It takes time, it takes effort, it takes putting the other person first. I was blissfully unaware, totally Naïve.
I have been trying to survive, trying to understand, trying to work on my marriage. We are not divorced as yet, but he wants to. He wants a new life with the other woman.
In this blog I am going to change our names and details to protect my children. They know of the affair and their fathers decisions but I still want to protect them in the public domain.
This blog to me is like therapy, there is certain things you can not share with others close to you and maybe someone in a similar situation will find solace in that they are not alone in their journey, that maybe, just maybe my journey can help them.
Broken Wings Repair 