Do you know how many times I have started this letter…. I can not seem to get the words right

I do not understand… you are having the affair, you have turned you back on everything you believed in…. you fell into sin …. but my world is crumbling…. My family is falling apart, my work is falling apart, I have no real friends except Woods, no one calls, no one messages, NOTHING!!!!! I am totally and utterly alone…. WHY

Then when I phoned you, because I had no one else, you tell me to stand my ground… not to let them walk over me, I’m stronger than I think. Ernest is doing to me what Rina* did to me….. MUST YOU PHONE Ernest* and tell him what you think… and for a split second, I felt you cared…

But I wanted to laugh, if I was not crying so much I probably would have. Yes Ernest has stabbed me in the back, but he owes me nothing, YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have betrayed me worse than any of them…. You CHEATED, ARE STILL CHEATING on me, my own friggin husband, till death us do part… but I once again kept it is because I just do not have the energy anymore, I am tired. I want it all to end…. I want life to end!!!!

I cried and cried and cried today, I could not stop… you could not even hug me, couldn’t console me, you just stood there… you really do not care about me anymore, do you… you have absolutely NO LOVE FOR ME anymore, why Nate, what did I do that you can just wipe away all of it

I told you today I cannot take this crap at work anymore and you said I am stronger than I realize, YOU KNOW that I am stronger than I realize. And in that moment I wanted to give up, I don’t want to be strong, I want someone who loves me to hold me and tell me it’s okay to fall apart, someone to be strong for me, to hold me and protect me and shield me.

Yes I can face the stuff at work, if I knew my husband was standing with me that I could come home and fall in your arms and break, and escape. But I don’t I come home to an empty room and an empty bed, no one to hold me and kiss me and tell me it’s okay. Kyle & Diane worry when they see me like this, so I need to suck it up wipe my eyes, put on a fake smile and wait till I am alone to fall apart.

I am drained, I am tired, I am sore. I really do not know how much more I can take. Work was a relief from home and home was a relief from work. Now both are a nightmare, I just want to run…. I want to pack my bags and just disappear, pretend I am someone I am not.  I actually want to get drunk and forget…. (that scares me)

What would you do if you came home and I was gone? What would you do with the kids, would you take on the responsibility? Would you help them through their mom abandoning them? Or are you so sure of my sense of responsibility that you know I would not be able to? It has been playing in my mind. You said with your situation kids are adaptable and they will get through this. Maybe your right, if I leave them with you, they would be better off, your salary is more, you don’t really have to worry about petrol and stuff they will adapt and get over it…

I thought about it today, SERIOUSLY. Book a ticket to the UK, get a job, find myself and then if the kids want to join me, they can come over. New start, new life, away from everyone that ever betrayed me. A basic F&#$ YOU ALL!!!

I can actually hear you say “that is not who you are” – maybe that is the problem, maybe I am too predictable. That is why it is easy for everyone just to screw me over.

Nate, I am really tired, no jokes.

I am not perfect, I have faults just like everyone else, loads of faults, but I do not deserve this.

For all the loyalty, the love, the sacrifices I do NOT deserve this.

You hurt me today, a hug would have cost you nothing, just to hold me, I needed you today. But this is probably my future now, alone to fight alone

What would happen if you just let your guard down and opened yourself up to experience what could still happen with us.

What if you just crossed the boundary you have set up between us.

How would I react, I don’t know. I don’t know if I would actually be able to.

What if Nate, What if ???

What if we could fight this storm, or better still face it together and come out drenched and clean and revitalized on the other side?

♥

A teenager in our Youth was diagnosed with severe Cancer and 9 mth from diagnosis he passed …… it affected our entire family. 1 month short of his 19th birthday, his journey on earth came to an end ….

Nate,

This morning when I told you about Colin* and you held me so tight, I tried to pull away a few times but you held me. I wanted to just fold into you and feel your strength, let you hold me tighter. I literally wanted to let go and just break while you were holding me, just empty out all my emotion and grief. Such a feeling at a wrong time.

I know Colin’s death has affected you, I could see it in your eyes. . .

There is so much of life that we can still experience. What Colin’s* death has brought home to me, is that we do not know what tomorrow holds. He was basically the same age as Kyle. We have so little time with the people we love, that loves us.

Kyle & Diane only have so much time still in our house, every moment and every interaction is precious. Linda & George would love to spend one more moment with Colin*, but they can’t … they weren’t even with him when he passed, which breaks them up. But how were they to know, I am sure had they known they would have been there by his side.

Wasted time . . .

I do not know what tomorrow holds but I do know that I feel as though there is wasted time.

♥

Hi Babes,

I felt so sorry for you when you were in the kitchen on Sunday evening and telling me you are very sorry, that you never thought we would be in such a situation. . .

Me neither . . . I still cannot believe it. Wish someone would just wake me up saying it was only a bad dream. That MY HUSBAND is still my husband, that my family will be okay.

Then you say, you still love me …. not in the same way but you still love me ….. What do I do with that Nate ….

If you love me, fight for us

If you love me, fight for our family, our future, US!!!!

Come back to YOUR WIFE!!!

We can work through this, there are so many testimonies of couples being more in love than ever before. That their 2^nd chance is the best time of their lives. All it takes is for you to say okay let’s do this!!!

All it takes is for you to decide… I forgave you once before and I have forgiven you now!!!

I’m here!!!

♥

Oh my Lord….. I now understand Grace, unconditional, constant amazing GRACE.

Lord how many times must I forgive. 70*7 and then more…..

God showed reminded me of the scene in the Shack where Mack is walking with His daughter’s body and with every step he says “I forgive you”,  “I forgive you”,  “I forgive you”,  “I forgive you”,  “I forgive you”,  “I forgive you”,  and now I understand

Every though still in your head “I forgive you”, 
Every time you want to send a message “I forgive you”, 
Every memory you think of “I forgive you”, 
Every time you think of a future without me “I forgive you”, 
For what you want to put our children and family through “I forgive you”,
Oh believe me it is not easy, IT HURTS like hell. But I need to repeat like a broken record “I forgive you”, 

*I will not give up, . . .*
*I will fight, . . .  in person, on my knees, in my fears, in my thoughts, oh Lord I will fight because you are worth fighting for.*
I forgive you❗❗❗
I love you ❗❗❗
♥

Looking back at this letter, I was so hopeful, I honestly thought Nate* would ‘wake up’ from the deception he is in…  reading this again is painful…

Hey babes,

Going though my WhatsApp’s looking for something and I see this message I sent you.

Did you ever read it?

I’m lying here next to you. My head is swimming and my heart is broken. Listening to your breathing and snoring 🙂  I wish I could hold you or just softly touch you. It actually makes me nervous, I have butterflies in my tummy. But I hold myself back, I do not want to confuse you further, and I’m scared …..

in a few hours time you can rip my life apart. I have not “lost it”, I can’t eat and I can’t sleep but I think the fact that I have not tried to maime you is a good thing 🙂

You are my life, you are my love. My whole future is with the idea that we grow old together. The enemy has really done a number on us…

It is not easy, I have my doubts and fears, I want to believe you will choose us, together forever. But then my mind wanders and I start thinking about how will I go on if you leave… do I pack up and go overseas… then the thoughts of I can not take Kyle & Diane away from their Dadda. I think about how it would be difficult for you to still have a relationship with them. About how it will break them, and me, to never see you again (cause lets face it, if I had to go the chances of you seeing them again is very slim)…
Then I stop myself and come back to I will fight for you. I love you. I know you still love me.
I will phone her family, her mother, and make her go through hell just like I am. But then it will make me bitter, won’t it? …. for frigs sakes, what then? What do I do?

TRUST… easier said than done. This is not only your life, your story, this is our lives, this is our story, our testimony. I do not have answers, I have questions I have doubts and fears and insecurities. You have been an instrument in taking me back to rejection and disappointment and making me feel inadequate and not good enough. Why have I failed, where did I fail?

I want to believe in us, I want you back. I want my husband back 100 %. I want you to look at me and make my knees wobble, i want you to touch me that I can’t control the feeling inside. I want you to feel the same. I want our passion back… I want our love to be more than enough.

So I will trust in what God is doing, I will give you the benefit of the doubt. I just pray you receive your inner healing from whatever is pushing you. I pray you can forgive yourself, I pray you find peace. I pray you receive the Truth and a divine encounter with God. That all your insecurities and demons are laid bare and you receive revelation and your identity is confirmed.

I hope you choose me, us. Peter Pan and Wendy, I pray you give us a fair chance to come out of this better and stronger than ever.

So as I lie here in the dark, yearning to hold onto you, just wanting to feel your presence next to me, listening to your breathing, I am hopeful, I am trusting, I give this to God, may He break us and mold us, I hope together.

Whatever you decide, just know I will keep you to your word. I need to think of Kyle and Diane, especially if you can’t at this moment. I have a responsibility towards them. So Nate, Babes … I forgive you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

NOW I am going to try and sleep… your breathing has slowed down, I don’t know if your awake I’m trying to keep still… nope I think your still asleep. 03:51 time obviously does not stand still. I need to get some sleep. Good night Babes, sweet dreams!

 ♥

I think what hurts the most is when you give your all to someone.

Through thick and thin, you’re there for them.

You stick with them, no matter what.

Then one day, they just give up on you.

They won’t even fight for you.

The one thing you would never have done, they did with no hesitation.

Babes,

What is a perfect marriage? What is a perfect relationship?

Looking around at people at couples, I wonder, I thought our marriage was strong. I thought our relationship was solid. Yip we lost some of the fire, but in speaking to people, all relationships do…

It is something you need to keep alive..

Looking back I realized you started building a wall to justify what you were doing. You started separating yourself from us a while ago, I thought it was work and stress. Had I known I would…. I would of what…. I don’t actually know…

You started blocking out the good things, you started to shift yourself away

I know you were struggling with your identity, I see it now when I look back. All your disappointments, all your fears and insecurities, you started to project on me, because I was there for the last 24 years, I am your scapegoat…

There was a gap, a hole and Heidi came along at the right time that suddenly you were so low in yourself that you fell… she brought up feelings that suddenly changed the picture

I have always been there for you, was always proud of you, never spoke bad of you, always consulted you about everything. Always included you. HAVE ALWAYS LOVED YOU

You say I put the kids before you, where Nate, we have always done things together. Why did you stop arranging things, I always had to arrange holidays and socials and things to do. You stopped… I got tired…

If I tried to arrange something you would use work, money or church as an excuse . . .

Where did you go to? And why can’t we get that back, it was there… you were there. Self-assured, confident, sometimes arrogant in what you wanted J 

Do you know how many times in the last few months I just want to put my fingers in your hair and kiss you……..

We stopped kissing… looking back over the last year, not even when we were intimate did we kiss …

The last few times when we were intimate, it was as though you were trying to prove something, trying to push me, trying to hurt me. Why did I not pick up on it?

What is it you were fighting….

♥

Our Wedding song

I’ll be your dream
I’ll be your wish
I’ll be your fantasy
I’ll be your hope
I’ll be your love
Be everything that you need

I’ll love you more with every breath
Truly, madly, deeply do
I will be strong, I will be faithful
‘Cause I’m counting on
A new beginning
A reason for living
A deeper meaning, yeah

[Chorus]
I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bathe with you in the sea
I wanna lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me

And when the stars are shining
Brightly in the velvet sky
I’ll make a wish, send it to heaven
That make you want to cry

The tears of joy for all the
Pleasure in the certainty
That we’re surrounded by the
Comfort and protection of

The highest power
In lonely hour
The tears devour you

Oh, can’t ya see it, baby?
You don’t have to close your eyes
‘Cause standing right before you
All that you need will surely come

I’ll be your dream
I’ll be your wish
I’ll be your fantasy
I’ll be your hope
I’ll be your love
Be everything that you need
I’ll love you more with every breath
Truly, madly, deeply do

If only we could have lived up to the lyrics ….

 ♥

Flip Nate*

Today 118 days ago, my world collapsed. I never ever expected it…. The few times I wondered, I still thought, nope you wouldn’t go that to me or Kyle* or Diane*, you would not do that to the teenagers or our extended family. BUT MOST CERTAINLY YOU WOULD NOT DO THAT TO US! Damn it!

I wish I could turn back time and do something before things got this far. Before the affair. You said to me that what caught you is that your dream woman was interested in you. What makes Heidi your dream woman? Where did I fall short, what attributes and things does she have that I don’t. Why was I not your dream woman….

You have always ever said nice things about me, I have never heard anything bad, except my temper (but face it, it is definitely not what it was, I have come a long way since we met)

What are my good qualities? Are you still proud of me? What do I do that you hate? Where do I fall short?

You told Kyle & Diane that night at the dining table that the Devil tempted you and he won…. But you know that we do not get tempted more than we can handle. Why did you not fight for us, when you saw yourself falling, why did you not do something…. How did you justify it for yourself, where were you within yourself to pull yourself out. And WHY!!!!!!!! did you not turn to me… so many friggin questions and I cannot ask you for answers, because you do not want to face it.

I asked you so nicely to help me recover from this, to help me & the kids through. I even went so far as to look online for help so that it does not involve someone else. Safety of online, but you can’t…. so I will never fully get over this because there is no closure…

You told me so many times you will go with to see someone and each time you have backed out, Why? What are you afraid of? Right in the beginning when I asked you why there has always been this gap you wanted to fill without realizing, 7 other while seeing me,

You said you cannot compare 4 months with Heidi with the first 4 months we were together. That was 24 years ago, how can you even recall you feelings in the same way after 24 years. We did not have social media or WhatsApp

I wonder if you will ever work through all this crap… I hope so otherwise it is going to eat you later, you cannot avoid it. You have avoided personal issues your entire life and now we sit here in this.

 

♥