Silence in the Pain

red and blue hot air balloon floating on air on body of water during night time
Photo by Bess Hamiti on

I have been so quiet lately. I’m numb….

Hoping for reconciliation and a return of my husband, but then also thinking I deserve better, I deserve what he gives her.

So much has happened in the last few months but I feel strangely disconnected from it.

We have seen the attorney twice, he has been to his mistress again on 3 different occasions. Caught him out on lies again.

He is still adamant for this divorce…. and I can’t stop him ….

My kids are hurting so much….. I see it, I hear it, but they deny it. They want it over….

I want to scream, I want to feel but I can’t….. SILENCE IN THE PAIN



A false reality

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Photo by Jenna Hamra on

Spoke to a mediator this week. I wonder if you realise the FULL IMPACT of what you are doing.

According to what the mediator has indicated you have build yourself a false reality, a way of escape from your life and responsibilities.

You are denying to yourself the financial implications, the relationship destruction with YOUR children. You have no concept of any of this with Hedi as she is your escape, she probably “understands how you feel” and “caresses your bruised ego” your responsibilty is of no concern until and IF you end up with her but then the walls of your responsibility comes crashing back in.

Problem is you can only escape so long then everything catches up with you.

Tomorrow you come back home after 2 weeks of no contact. What are you expecting? How do you expect to just insert back in.

Let me be very clear, you have distanced yourself from us by your affair, you havd made a choice. We are the victims of your actions, we have not pushed you away, you have shrunk away from us. And all we want is YOU back…. MY HUSBAND ….. THEIR FATHER.

Lord I pray for your interception, I pray you intervene and soften his heart and show Niël the reality of his situation. As the Word This morning Luk 15:1-7

Father, if you have a 100 sheep and 1 was lost, You leave the 99 others in the wilderness and go and search for the one that is lost until You find it. You do this with Niel, my God. Carry him home on Your shoulders and we will rejoice together! In Jesus Name, I pray.🙏🙏🙏. RECKLESS LOVE LORD!!!

Regret has no rewind

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Photo by James Wheeler on

Ai Botha

So hier sit ek by Academy of Sound Openday en ek weet binne my jy wou deel wees van die, maar waar is jy? Gaan jy ons blameer…. sê ons het jou uitgesluit…. victim speel… gaan Hedi jou paai en sê ai siestog shame ons is ongevoelig en mean..

Die feit bly staan jy het gekies en gereël om eers Sondag terug te kom, jy het geweet die open day is 18de, jy het interested gemerk op facebook. Maar jy het haar grkies bo jou seun.

Kran is kwaad en seër dat jy nie hier is nie, maar hy sê dit us jou loss.

Verstaan jy ooit wat jy gaan mis in jou kinders se lewens, hoeveel jy klaar mis.

Ek bid rerig nog dat die Here jou sal aanraak en die skille van jou oë en hart sal verwyder, maar jy is die een wat die besluit moet maak.

Regret has no rewind button. There is no such thing as making up for lost time.

I miss your involvement in our lives



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Photo by Frans Van Heerden on

So two weeks almost a no contact with kids or myself, unless you count 2 whatsapp messages to kids…..

So Sunday he probably means to waltz back in and carry on as normal. (Well the new normal, him staying in outside room, coming and going as he pleases)

I’m angry but I am more disappointed, he is missing so much but at the same time he is leaving me with everything, never signed up or expected to be a single mom.

He is damaging his relationship with his kids.

Oh Lord please lift the scales from his eyes and guide him back to his family…..

Please pray with me

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A letter received through Prayer Ministries, pls pray this with me. the Word say where to or more agree….

You can do this in and through the power of Holy Spirit.  You are the only one partnering with the Lord  against the works of the devil concerning your husband, your marriage and your family.  Unfortunately, there is never a time limit on one’s stand with the Lord for restoration of a marriage. 

Many factors involved but our God has all those factors in the palm of His hand.   When we have done all, stand!   That is what the word tells us.   

Joy of the Lord will strengthen you.  So set your heart to rejoice.   Go through the Psalms and sing them — the rejoicing Psalms,   Just keep loving him with kindness, honor, and just as if he had never sinned. 

In the spirit realm that is the reality.  Do not forget the power of the Blood of Jesus. 

 Keep husband’s heart, mind, soul, and will covered in the Blood of Jesus and believe that The Blood is working to cleanse and purify.  Keep the adulteress woman before the Lord and continue to partner with the Holy Spirit as He carries out the will of the Father in accordance with John 16: 8-13

 Just keep moving forward, don’t faint. 

 Keep Your faith in Jesus based on who He is, not based on what you see with your natural eyes.    

 Father, strengthen her in the inner man by the power of Your Spirit.  Help her Holy Spirit to keep her eyes and heart fixed on You not on what You can do for her.   

Cause her thought, love and devotion be center on You. 

 Thank You Lord for all You are doing in the hearts all of these involved in this situation.  In Jesus Name.


2=1 International Staff


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Photo by Johannes Plenio on

An insert that I received on the 15th April that I needed to hear today again.


I see you who are on a boat in the midst of raging seas right now. You are frantically trying to steady your boat and maintain control of the mast and sails but the wind is too strong and too unpredictable. I see the confusion surrounding you as you try to figure out another way, another route, another strategy. Then I hear the gentle whisper of the Holy Spirit amidst the turbulence and chaos… “Come, quiet yourself with me.”

As you relent and sit on the rocking deck with waves still crashing over the hull, I see the very person of Peace, Jesus, walking towards you. His mere presence causes the storm to retreat. It backs off in immediate surrender to the only One who has the power to calm the seas. I hear His whisper to you, “My Beloved one, quiet your soul with Me. There is power in your pause.” As Jesus sits down opposite you, face to face, the swirling confusion dissipates entirely until the seas slowly concede and rock back and forward into a quiet and gentle calm.

There is power in your pause, beloved. Do not neglect to quiet your soul with Him today. Despite the raging seas, despite the confusion, it’s time to let go of control and surrender to His rest. There is power in your pause with Him, it is the true place of peace and strength. When the world is running faster and faster, we move to a different momentum that gains strength as we quiet ourselves with Him. It is time to pause and calm your heart in His presence and listen for His whisper. As you do, the storm will evaporate before you for it cannot rage in the presence of Peace.

Feeling Invisible

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So yesterday my husband flew to another city for work. He is there till Wednesday, he will then drive to his MISTRESS and spend the whole long weekend with her. Monday he will work in the area surrounding her location (so obviously still staying with her) and return home the 19th August.

Yesterday morning my 16 year old daughter had an emotional breakdown, because Mommy had an emotional breakdown …… I am so tired, so very, very tired….

I never signed up to a single parent life. I never signed up to take all the responsibility on me. This was suppose to be a marriage where two people struggle through life TOGETHER!!!

I can not help my daughter or my son navigate the betrayal of their father. He needs to restore the relationship with them.

In my moment of anger I phoned the other woman (as my husband was on a plane and I was unable to call him), I said I hope she realizes one day what she has done to my children, to his children. Her answer was, it is okay I can blame her and make her the witch……. that I am in denial about how my marriage really was….

I told Nate* on Saturday I can not carry on with him staying in the same property, (he lives in an outside room).

If he is waiting for me to divorce, he is going to wait a while.

If he is waiting for me to sell the house to cover the debt, he is going to wait a while.

If he is waiting for me to clear his way to his new future, he is sadly going to wait.

He wants the divorce he can divorce me, he wants to sell the house, he can contact the agents, I am NOT GOING TO DO HIS DIRTY WORK.

But today I feel invisible, how after 24 years together and 20 years of marriage do you cut off communication. He does not contact me to find out if the kids are ok or anything, I am a NOBODY in his life. The reason this is so difficult for me is because we did everything together, when away for work he would text me when he landed, text me or video call me before he went to sleep, text or video call me in the morning to say Hi how did I sleep and now…. complete S I L E N C E. But obviously the conversations with me has just been replaced by someone else.

It hurts like hell, feels as though I am scrapping the bottom of my sanity.

The only thing I seem to be able to hold on to is the words “BUT GOD”, He knows, He understands…. I don’t understand HIS ways but hopefully “BUT GOD….!” will bring peace and comfort and direction



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It does not help thinking and knowing, he is making the biggest mistake of his life. That she is a whore willing to have an affair with a married man, and he chosses HER!!!!


Today is difficult

I just want to lie in bed and die….

Last night he said words that cut through my soul

“Your a fantastic woman and wife, don’t forget that, but to be honest and what I say is going to hurt, your a good friend” … after 20 years of marriage

I am a “good friend”

So I guess I am suppose to just flip the switch and stop loving, and stop hoping…


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I can usually keep my feelings under check. I smile I pretend and I carry on. But tonight I certainly out did myself, and I am actually embarrassed I feel like I have failed Kyle & Diane.

When Diane’s math teacher told us about how far behind she is and all the foundational work that Diane missed I wanted to hit you. One of the most important phases of her school career for what she wants to do one day and you F*&%&  it up. Literally ….

“I know there were problems, but is it now sorted…?” and you say nothing….

I needed to speak up …. I hope you realized in that moment I did not lie when I said they are struggling, it is not right what you are doing to your own children….. Nate really….

I know our children are not angels and they take their fair share of chances, but I was here when you weren’t. Their whole lives they had a father that they could count on, that was dependable and where is he now, with another woman playing house, house. They do not see that you are cheating on me, in their eyes you are cheating on them too.

I wanted to blast you, but I realized they cannot deal with that now. They need to know they can count on me.

I am angry….. I am disappointed ….. I am hurting….. do you see that…



I dreamt of you last night

woman sleeping
Photo by Ivan Obolensky on

Oh my friggin goodness . . .

I MISS YOU!!! During the day I can keep myself busy… in the afternoons, I enjoy time with you and the kids, but at night the loneliness is unbearable. Your place is empty. . .

The worst is I dreamt of you last night…

In the dream we were intimate, kissing, touching, exploring each other . . . and when I woke up the deep pit of emptiness was overwhelming, thinking I will never experience that with you again, that nothing can fill the void of where your husband should be.

I miss holding you and kissing you and just being with you.

I could not sleep after waking up, my mind just would not stop.

I LOVE YOU Babes, with a love that cannot be explained, I love you enough to forgive the unimaginable.

Where do I fall short in your eyes . . . ?  Why can you give up on me so easily . . . ?